I'm choosing red for this post because it's all about anger and betrayal. In a previous post I mentioned that we would like to sell our house. I own a 2 family with with my mom and sister on the first floor. It's very difficult to have family so close. Even though we are in 2 separate apartments there is no privacy. If I argue with my husband my mother can hear us. If I have to reprimand my daughter for something my mother hears it and will almost always tell me I'm wrong. But what happened last week went over the top. But first the back story about my sister.

She is 4 years older than me and has been divorced for many years. Her husband came out of the closet and that's OK...it's who he is and he deserves to be happy. But my sister married at 18 and he was 17 because they got pregnant. My parents (also divorced) had always warned us that pregnancy or drugs would mean being disowned. That didn't happen. Instead they threw my sister a a small quiet wedding. No grandchild was ever more welcomed than he was. My mother became the proud grandmother.The world rose and set on this little boy. 7 years later another little boy came along. But after my brother inlaw came out I took his place. As a single woman at the time my sister was my best friend. We did everything together. When she didn't have a car she had mine. Little league doctor's apointments whatever. I was there. I treated her older son as my own. When the home she lived in was put up for sale by her mother inlaw a decision was made for her and the boys to rent a house with my mother. My mom had stopped driving and this would enable my sister to be her transportation. It was my moms good credit and money that secured that house. When that house was sold my sister again had no place to go. By then my mom really wanted a place of her own. She found a nice 2 bedroom apartment . At the last minute sister told her older son he had to find his own place. (he was just 18) But she couldn't find anyplace that would rent to her with bad credit. So my mother agreed to let her and the younger son stay with her. I took the older one to live with me. I had no choice he would have been homeless. When I bought this house my father(who i talked to at the time) lived on the first floor. When he moved out we made the decision for day care reasons to have my mom move in here. It made more sense. When we told my sister she said we should have given the place to her. She needed the help more than mom did. Can you say selfish? I knew having my mom here would mean 2 things the rent we asked(needed) for would always be paid on time and I wouldn't have to drag my 3 year old out in the cold when I needed child care. My mother co-signed the lease on the apartment they were sharing so my sister could stay there. Mom's deposit was left to secure the place. Fast forward about 5 years. The house my sister is living is sold. They will let her stay but there is an increase in rent. Ya that happens in real life. People raise rents to cover things like increased water bills, garbage pick up and property taxes. Not something you can do when renting to family. To shorten this abit the new owner after 2 years got tired of the rent being late and aske her to move. Now where does she go? Bad credit and no money for a new place. He older son who she basically had nothing to do with for years when he lived with me didn't want to see his mom homeless. He thought maybe they could get a place together but after looking a few places and sister wanting the biggest room or the private bathroom he decided (rightfully so) he couldn't live with his mom again. It was going to be his money and credit securing the place shouldn't he have the big bedroom ect... So now where does she go. Nephew 1 had a small studio at the time and agreed to let little brother move in with him. With my sister looking at the homeless shelter we let her move in downstairs with my mom. It was supposed to be temporary. It's been 3 years this month. My mom paid out almost $300 to put sister's stuff in storage. Has yet to see the money. Sister didn't pay rent fot the last 2 months in the apartment. No security deposit was refunded. Mom's now out $500. Utility bills in the thousands in my mom's name still haven't been paid. During all this time sister has only worked a part time job. She was offered full time on many occasions but turned it down. Oh and mom also bought her 3 cars in about 6 years. First one was totaled out in the driveway by letting her 15 yr old son drive it and he hit a stone wall. Number 2 died from lack of care and number 3 was left to sit for a few years because she didn't want to have to pay for insurance. Taking the bus and getting rides from me was easier. My cousin now drives it. Runs like a top.

From the moment I started dating my husband and after we were married sister was included in everything we did. He has often joked that it was BOGO. Buy a wife and get one free. Trips to the beach, concerts and once LE was born we went to Sesame Place every year and sister was always included. When I was to be married I basically had to plan my own shower. She couldn't be bothered. My future husband paid for all the food and decorations so I would have my special time as a bride to be. I could go on and on(not that i haven't already) but I think you get the point here. After my daughter was born she was a stay at home mom taking care of someone else's child. I asked her if she could watch LE a few hours a week and she said yes. I mean she was already there being a nanny to a stranger's child why not mine. When she didn't want to take any money(the last generous thing she did) we sent her to Florida with her sons for 12 days to visit our father. To this day I've never been to Florida but she went and on my dime. 3 years ago (after she moved in here) my husband and I rented a house in Maine for a week. She was outraged that she wasn't going with us. She never said anything to me but since we work for the same company things get back to me. Oh ya I got her a job at my store years ago. She is living in my house but now wants to go on vacation with me too. The house was small and there really wasn't room. Besides I knew she didn't have a money to chip in for something bigger so why ask. 2 summers ago we took our vacation money and put in a pool in the back yard. For the last 2 seasons sister works only till about noon. She comes home and grabs lunch and sits outside in the pool allllllll day. Seriously from noon to about 6 pm in the good weather. I wasn't able to reduce my hours at work this summer like I usually do. LE was here in our apartment alone but never once did my sister come up and offer to make her lunch or join her outside. LE is 12 so no calls to DCF. She is really ok to be left alone with having people in the house but that isn't the point. After everything I have done for her sons( and her)over the years I think the least she could do is offer up a grilled cheese sandwich or some company. When in trouble her kids still turn to me before either of their parents. So now the the part of the story that makes me see red.

We are HUGE Patriots fans. In our youth our father took us to several games. Back then he could get tickets for about $15. When my parents divorced and we were older my sister and I caught a few games together. Then they became champs and ticket prices went sky high. My husband had never been to a game and 4 years ago after searching ebay I managed to get tickets for our anniversary. Boy was she pissed. Next year we went again and she was pissed again. Really pissed. Now these are $150 tickets. I can barely scrap together enough for ours I can't buy her a seat too. Besides this is like our big treat all year. I put away income tax money just for this reason. Last year we went again for my birthday. Buy dumb luck my husband's sister called and wanted to know if we wanted to buy tickets to the game 2 weeks later. Only standing room but who cares. I was now wracked with guilt to be able to go to 2 games in one year so my only question was can we get 3 tickets so I can take my sister? Done. So for her birthday we all went to the game . Tailgate food, booze, gas, parking all on us. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER! Awesome right? Now this year money was tight and we could only get tickets to a pre-season game but that's ok still a game. Fast forward to 10/19/08. A customer that knows my sister works for a company that has season tickts to the Patriots. He has 2 seats nobody wants for the Monday night game 10/20. Would she like them free of charge? Hell yes she says. Here's the good part. Our father who told me last summer that he never wanted a second child and I should be glad to just be alive has relocated here to CT. When he arrived in January he came to see me and denied saying it to me when I brought it up. He asked if we could talk again (i was at work at the time) could he call me or could we get together for lunch I said ok but I was really hurt. I have never heard from him again. He came here for Easter dinner in my Mom's place but never even bothered to come up stairs. He comes here at least twice a month to take sister to lunch or whatever. He denies it ever took place but the kicker is my sister was standing there when he said it. She has never once told him that she heard him. On my daughter's birthday she went to his house to watch the game. She has watched every game with us in the time she has lived here until that day. Broke my daughter's heart. Now she has these tickets. And 10/26 is my birthday. What a great gift that would be right? A small repayment for everything I've done for her all these years but no such luck. She took our father instead. When I asked her if she even thought about taking me her response was that I was here 2nd choice. I get to go to games with my husband so why should she take me. This year my husband and I went to Pat's training camp a few times. We didn't ask her to go becasue this is the only time all summer we get to be alone. With her outside everyday in our pool we don't have any alone time. Can't float around quietly or talk privately because she is ALWAYS there. When we have friends over she's there. Get the picture? The only way to be alone on a hot summer day is to drive 2 hours and watch our team practice But that makes me a bad guy for not taking her. She had a choice to make when this great thing happened to her. As I see it she made the wrong one. The day before my birthday she sent up a small gift and a card that said she was sorry I was upset but she felt she made the right choice because father had never been to the new stadium. I hope they enjoyed themselves. I hope she realizes what her choice cost her. Maybe I'm just jealous? But maybe I'm tired of always giving and never getting anything back. We continue to struggle to keep this house over all of our heads in this terrible economy. I'm in search of a new full time job or a second part time to add to our income. She works 16-18 hours and comes home to a nice place surrounded by family and no worries about anything. In a town where just a room rents for 125-150 aweek she pays us $200 per month.

Sorry about the length of this tirade but somethings just can't be held in. I only hope someday she realizes how lucky she is. But by then I think it will be too late to fix things.

I've Been Dumped

I've been dumped. It is no longer "cool" to be seen with your mom at a town festival. Le is 12 years old. She stands 5'5" and can kick butt if needed. She is everything tomboy and girlie all rolled into one. She wanted to go downtown for Celebrate Wallingford. Crafts, food,touch a truck, jumping things ect. But after being there for about 15 minutes she realized that it is no longer in her best interest as a cool kid to be there with her totally uncool mom. She ran into a friend from school whose mom has a tent there. I left her for 5 minutes to check out a few more crafters and came back to find her gone. After calling her cell phone which she didn't answer, panic set in. Now to correctly set the scene you have to know this fair takes place in our downtown. This is a small town in New England and the town green is complete with white gazabo and about 20 policemen walking around. Not much exciting happens around here. It is also only 2 blocks from our house. 2 small blocks. So why did I panic? I grew up in this neighborhood just 7 houses away from where I live. During the summer you got on your bike and rode all day. Cardinal rule, be home when the church bells rang at 6 o'clock. Now I panic and try to find my child in a crowd. Why? Why does it have to be so different? She really isn't a little girl anymore. I was going off younger than her doing stuff with my friends. Riding our bikes almost a mile away to the community pool. But I can't fathom leaving Le 2 blocks from the house. 2 small blocks. After a call to my husband (he's at work) and finding her again. I decided to let go just a bit. I gave her 20 bucks and came home. She's hanging with friends downtown on a beautiful autum day. Having fried dough and feeling grown up. She's only 2 blocks away. 2 very large blocks from this desk.

Top Ten Things That Should Never Be Seen in a Grocery Store

I've seen alot of things in my 20 year career in a large grocery store. Below is my top ten list of things that should never be seen in a grocery store.

#10. Children walking around with no shoes.
# 9. Babies wearing only a diaper and nothing else.
# 8. Sports bra shorts and a pregnant belly
# 7. Any couple making out
# 6. Nursing a baby sitting on my meat case.
# 5. Pink fuzzy bedroom slippers.
# 4. Pj pants with pink fuzzy slippers
# 3. Bath robe, pj's and pink fuzzy slippers.
# 2. Curlers
# 1. Red satin lingerie pj's so small the top doesn't meet the bottom and big saggy boobs hanging out from underneath the top nipples totally visible.

My Lesbionic Hair cut

Several months ago I decided to stop coloring my hair. I haven't had natural hair color for almost 12 years. I stopped while I was pregnant with Le. My husband bought me a gift certificate to my salon as a "birth day" present after she was born. I had my hair colored again when she was 10 days old. It's been every color of the rainbow except jet black. All shades of red, purple even bleach blond. But I thought I try the natural look for awhile. All of the women in my mother's family (except her) went white by the time they were 20. They all had big boobs and no butts. My mother got no boobs and a big butt and like mother like daughter. She still has only a small amount of gray at almost 70. I am almost 80% gray. The only way to let my hair grow out the color was to cut it very short ala Jamie Leigh Curtis. Most of my friends have been really supportive. The only person I was worried about was my husband. He has never cared what I did to my hair. Long, short, curly, straight. Never mattered. But now I feel like I look so much older than he does. He is 4 years younger than I am and I feel for the first time in our relationship, I look my age.
The other night I had the great pleasure of meeting a friend of a friend. Scott is an openly gay man totally in love with his new husband Dan. He and I got along fantasticaly till he refered to my Lesbionic haircut. Now who would know better than a gay man about lesbionic hair? So now what do I do. Leave it natural and short or go back to coloring and let it grow? Now that everybody knows how much gray I have I think I'll look silly coloring again. But this really bothered me. It saves me $100 plus amonth but I feel old and ugly. What to do ...oh what to do.

A blog about blogs

I love blogs. I have "met" many amazing people through their blogs. Men and women alike. Some make me laugh so hard I think I just might wet myself. Now if I was techno savy enough I could link their blogs here. But alas I haven't gotten that far yet in my education of blogging. For now I'll just have to talk a little about them. A man in California has just sold his first book. If it reads as well as his blog does, I'll be one of the first to buy it. He's funny because he talks about everyday life with the humor of a boy stuck in a man's body. A woman in Florida makes me laugh for the same reasons. But they both can make you sad and thoughtful too. I've "met" 3 amazing women who are cancer victims. One with her PHD has 2 small boys and had a career at NASA. She has beat (so far) imflammatory breast cancer. An artist near DC has battled invasive lobular breast cancer. Both women are awe inspiring to read. The openness and honesty with which they have shared their battles is breath taking. Lisa in PA is battling cancer for the third time. I proudly wear one of the bracelets she makes to bring awareness to ovarian cancer. She has 2 tween girls and I pray everyday that she gets to see them grow up. I wish this for all of them. They are all in different stages of their life. They come from different backgrounds but they all have one thing in common: they write with humor and honesty and incredible wisdom.

Several times during the day I will have a thought or something will happen and I'll say to myself "Diva that would make a great blog post!" yes...I call myself Diva. But I spend so much time reading other peoples words, I don't have time for my own. I think I'm going to try and change that. Just like I find time to go to the gym to continue on my weight loss journey., I'm going to find time to write. Maybe I'll end up like another blogger I read who makes 40k a month blogging.

A bunch of stuff

My last post was about selling my house. Unfortunately Borg is going through a health crisis right now. He has very high blood pressure and has been diagnosed with cushings disease. The doctor thinks he has a tumor somewhere in his body causing him to produce too much adrenaline. Until we get the results of several test taken, we don't know where or even if there is a tumor. So selling is on the back burner. We did have to agents come visit the house. The first gave us a selling price that was dead on what we wanted. The second agent told us our house was worth 60 grand less. Not sure how 2 opinions could be so different. For now we are staying put.

Something happened at work the other day that still has me shaking my head. I work in a large supermarket. I was in the ladies room drying my hands when the door opened. A customer who shops almost everyday came walking in. She had the zipper down on her white denim shorts and the flaps pulled open. As she walked the length of the bathroom she proceeded to pull down her shorts so that by the time she got to the last stall, her naked ass was completely out. She entered the stall sat down (i couldn't see thank god) but didn't shut the door. I then heard her start doing her business and it wasn't just peeing. She was having quite the bowel movement. Can someone please tell what has happened to common decency? Now every time this broad shops in my store I'll be see her naked ass in my mind. Not a pretty sight. Why can't a hot looking guy drop his pants in front of me? Now that would be a good thing. But then again why would he be in the ladies room? hmmm O well. I could make a reality TV show out of what goes on in supermarket.

Diva's New House

About 9 years ago my father (he lived in FL at the time) called to tell me he was selling his house down there and would I look for a 2 family house. He was breaking up with his girl friend and was selling his house . LE was 2 at the time and we lived in a beautiful old Victorian house as renters. Buying a home was a dream but we hadn't yet saved a down payment. My father agreed to give us the 10 thousand dollar down payment as my inheritance . We would not be obligated to pay him back. After seeing several dumps we found this house. It was empty and didn't need any work but changing the paint color in our bedrooms to match our taste. So in we moved. Father on the 1st floor and the 3 of us on the 2 and 3 floors. The thing is, I have paid this mortgage for 9 years and have never felt like it was mine. One day I found he had dug a veggie garden in the middle of the backyard. I do mean right smack dab in the middle. When we wanted a swing set for LE he argued that it wasn't anything needed in his yard. Do you see a trend here. HIS ,always referred to as his. After more than a year he found a new girl (if you can call a 72 yr old a girl) and decided to move in with her and why not then he didn't have any rent to pay(he gave us $200 a month for a $600-700 apartment) . Then we had to make a choice on who to move in downstairs. It's a whole other blog but my sister and mother were sharing a small apartment at the time. We asked my mother to move in so we had child care for LE. This worked out OK for a few years. But as time went on she had issues. First it was drinking. LE found her face down on the floor and she had to go to the hospital to dry out. Then she decided she didn't want to work anymore. Her social security wasn't enough to pay us the full rent (which was at least $300 less than market value) so we had to drop the price. Then we had to take over the electric bill. Again a pattern develops. Recently a note was sent up with LE. I HAD(notice the caps here) to deposit money into her checking account because she overdrew. Hmmmm, didn't ask me to borrow money just told me to. In November 2006 my sister's lease was not renewed do to issues with paying rent on time. With no money for security deposit ect she was going to be homeless. My mother was frantic so we allowed her to move into the spare bedroom in my mom's apartment. We asked for a small amount of rent. She was supposed to pay off bills she owed especially the ones she ran up in my mother's name and then save some money to go out on her own. Let's just say she hasn't saved a dime. Now I had a falling out with my father last summer. Basically he told me that he wished I had never been born. He never wanted a second child after sissy dear. This is the 2nd time in my life he told me this. The other was when I supported my mother in the divorce 25 years ago. Thought we had moved passed that but I was wrong. My sister was witness to the exchange last summer. Now daddy dearest relocated back here again in Jan 2008. He showed up at my store with hugs ect. When I pulled away he couldn't understand why. When I explained it to him he denied ever saying it. Still doesn't remember. Think my sister who was standing there would speak up? Nope. In fact she invited him over for Easter dinner. Now my parents are divorced for a reason. My mother hates him. Without asking permission sissy just invited him. My mother was pissed and so was I. I spent my day thinking any minute he would come through the door screaming at me. I was sick to my stomach the whole time. I know my dad and the day is coming near when I'll hear how ungrateful I am. All the years he lived in Fl he would come home for 3 months every summer. I would see him a few days after he got here. Just in time to collect his fathers day/birthday gifts and then just before he was leaving to go back. Oh and the big dinners. I would have to cook a huge expensive meal to entertain him. He would expect all his favorites (75-80 bucks easy). Never once in 8 years did he ever take us out to dinner. Once he had us over to the house he was borrowing. Hot dogs, burgers and a green salad. Whooptie freakin' do. Once he had me, borg ,le , sissy and her 2 boys meet him at restaurant in town. When the check came he handed it to me. ( I gave him the name of a new buffet here) He said you picked it I guess you get the check. I kid you not. But he did give me 20 bucks towards my sisters meal. YAY!! The other $100 was mine to pay. All these years I feel like I've been giving and getting nothing in return. My sister consistently turns down extra hours at work. Why not. She only needs to pay $200 dollars a month to live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with a brand new pool in the yard. Last year borg and I never got to enjoy that pool alone. She was outside everyday. She worked 7-11am and then was in the pool all day. I'm tired of struggling to keep other people afloat. How many times will I come home this summer to find her and dad floating around my pool. When I called my oldest nephew to tell him we are thinking about selling and finding a one family he told me somethings that were said during Easter dinner. Vicious things. Things that made me realize that I NEED to sell this house. I NEED to not worry about dad showing up. I NEED to be able to throw my shoes in the hallway without comments. I NEED to not feel taken advantage of. I NEED to raise my daughter not my mother and sister. I WANT to drop my mortgage payment almost $800 a month. I WANT to be able to cuddle with my husband(alone) in my pool when LE is staying at a friends. I WANT to be free of this awful feeling I have every time I come home. Now I have to tell them we are selling. Wish me luck. If you're in a 200 mile radius you'll probably hear the names they'll be calling me. But I NEED to do this.

A friend

This will be a long post. So much to say about an ex-boss. For privacy reasons I'll just call him ML. For 19 years I've worked for the same grocery store. Started in the special cheese section and then moved to the deli then landed in seafood. I was married in August 95. Just before I left for my wedding the meat manager asked me if I would be interested in learning how to wrap meat and work in that department. The full time wrapper had to go out on medical leave and he needed a replacement. Why not? I was very nervous going into that room. It's a very manly kind of place. Blood everywhere. Noise from the saws ect. But Yvonne took me under her wing and started the training process. There's a lot to learn and she was (still is) a great teacher. ML always had a smile on his face. Young and very cute with big dimples he was a huge practical joker (still is). As time went on ML would find each persons "button". He knew what to say to make you just want to kill him but laugh at the same time. He worked harder and smarter than any other manager I have every known. He wanted and encouraged you to think for yourself. He came to trust the decisions you made but if you screwed up he'd let you know. My button was a girl named Sue. ML would tell me she was better and could wrap faster than me. That just made me work harder. I became very good at my job because of him. A few months after I got married I became pregnant with LE. the doctor wanted me to watch my weight very closely while pregnant so I started bringing my lunch to work. Several times my peanut butter and jelly sandwich disappeared. ML was stealing my lunch. So on pb/j days I made 2 ,1 for me and 1 for ML. I worked almost full time up until a month before I was due. ML was on vacation when I was told no more work. The last thing he said before he left was "you won't be here when I get back." Up till that time I was fine and had every intention of working up until my water broke but he somehow knew better. Doctor took me out early. On the way home from the hospital 56 hours after giving birth by C-section we took this brand new bundle of joy to see ML but he wasn't in. Called out sick. I was so disappointed he wasn't there. He never took sick time. Without going into details I'm not sure he would want me to share, ML's life was a miracle. 46? years ago when he was born he almost didn't survive. Multiple ground breaking operations saved his life not just as an infant but throughout his life. He had told me once not to complain about pain or being sick because he lived with it everyday. "If you're not coming in just say so. Don't sob story it." He made me promise to never use my daughter being sick as an excuse if it wasn't true. Children and family mean everything to him. He had been told he would probably never be a Dad but he defied the odds and had 2 amazing boys. I still remember the day the told us RL (his wife) was expecting number 3. I thought his dimples were going to explode he was so happy. I so hoped for a girl but son #3 was born. LE was about 2 and we convinced her to give up her pacifier by telling he #3 needed it more than she did. Now those boys are 17/14/9 (i think) and they are just like him(and that's a good thing). Everyday is full of life for ML. I remember him coming in and telling me how RL had yelled at him and the boys for the super soaker water gun fight they had.....IN the house. His defense was "it's only water..it'll dry." He's a fun dad. RL was raising 4 boys not 3. God bless her.
When LE was about 18 months old (she was talking in full sentences by 15 months) he asked her where Daddy was. He says to her "can you say Daddy's a loser?" (typical ML humour here) and she looked up at him and said "My daddy is not a loser you're Marloser". (a huge play on ML's real name) and from that day she called him Marloser. He would just laugh.
I cried the day ML was transfered out of my store. He could bring you to a blood boiling rage sometimes but when it came to understanding I was a working mother, he was/is the best. My husband and I would meet at my store to do the baby hand off and if he was running few minutes late it was always OK. Oh he would bust my chops but with a smile. No one I have worked for since (all male by the way) gets that like he did. I could have done without some of his practical jokes but I wouldn't trade the time I worked for him for anything.
Several months ago ML wasn't feeling well. A trip to the doctors brought unbelievable news. Cancer........in several places. Pain he had been feeling thinking it was just "his ' everyday pain wasn't. Now he is fighting for his life.
A few months ago a fund raising dinner was held for ML and his family. Maybe a few people would come right? 800 showed up. Some people, me included couldn't even get a ticket. The restaurant was packed. This past Tuesday night a retirement dinner was held for ML. The company recently offered a buyout package to old timers and he was able to take it. 500 people this time. Looking around that room you knew everyone had a ML story to tell. At the benefit he didn't give a speech. Tuesday he did. His voice filled with emotion. Thanking his family fighting by his side, His brother who would drive 30 miles one way to sell a ticket, to everyone who came to be with him that night. By the end of the night the exhaustion was apparent. His treatment is on going.
I don't now if I'll ever cross paths with him again in person but I pray I do. RL emails updates on his condition occasionally and I will certainly look forward to them. One of my current co-workers is very close to ML still, so I hear news from him. I'll continue to send him picture cards of LE. I was touched to hear at Christmas time she was on the "L" family wall-of-honor with all the nieces and nephews. Now her Easter card is on his fridge. Knowing this makes me feel so wonderful inside.
I'm not a very spiritual person but I pray everyday to whatever god I believe in (and that differs day to day) for more time for ML. Time for him to be able to see his sons grow up. To grow old with his wife. I know each day will be a battle but just give him more time to love and be loved by his family and friends. Bless him with the strength to fight this battle. Bless him with more time.

Borg Update

Borg went to his follow up at the new doctor today. He really liked him and his staff. After the exam Dr. M came to the conclusion that Borg is simply suffering from high blood pressure. He was 130/100 today. That bottom number really needs to come down. He started him on medication and is sending him for major blood work to get his cholesterol levels and such. Dr, M also suggested that Borg lose 10-15 lbs. Ok, now I love my husband but it's closer to 50 he should drop. Since I've lost over 100 I can say that without feeling guilty. So starting next week borg is going to start eating my way. Lots of fresh veggies and grilled chicken coming his way. He is also giving up his blasted energy drinks. I have tried telling him how bad they are and now the Dr is too. Soda is out and so is salt. Borg is only 38 and much too young to have this problem. Life is taking a new turn and if I can diet and do 5 days a week in the gym, he can hit the treadmill at home while watching TV and give up a few things. Maybe we'll be that hot couple strolling down the beach this summer in their matching bikini's. Borg in a speedo now that's a mental picture.

Nightmare in the ER ( beware it's a long one)

Last Tuesday Borg came down with a headache. He gets them every so often and with some advil and a hot shower he can usually make them go away. Maybe once a year is so bad he'll need to go to bed and sleep through it. He never takes time off from work but he did Tuesday. So I knew it was bad. The pain lessened through Tuesday and Wednesday but it became worse on Thursday. He worked his day shift and then went back at 11 for his overnight. The phone rang around 1am. He was throwing up the pain was so bad and he was coming home. By 10 am Friday he couldn't stand it anymore. Off to the doctor. After waiting almost 2 hours to be seen the Dr tells him he wants him to go to the ER right away. His blood pressure was dangerously high. 168/118. He couldn't tell if the headache was causing the high pressure or vise versa. Off to the ER we go. Now the Dr is worried that he is having/about to have a stroke. Borg is only 38 and in relatively good health. He calls ahead and tells them he wants him seen asap and orders a CAT scan. We get there about 40 minutes later and the place is packed to the walls. He checks in and takes a seat. Within 10 minutes his face is so red I'm scared to death. I go to the triage area and explain the DR has called and please look at him. I get told he needs to wait. I ask the nurse to just look out the door and if he thinks waiting is ok then I'll gladly wait. Needless to day he was taken right in. His pressure was even higher now. The RN on duty tell us she talked to the DR and he never said he wanted him admitted. Well that's not what Borg was told at the office. I said to the nurse "why would the DR waste his time calling you if it wasn't a true emergency?" Didn't get the answer I was looking for trust me. So now we wait. About 30 minutes later we are brought to a stretcher in the hallway. Patients are lining the walls of the ER. A heploc for IV's was put in and he is left laying flat on his back with a light over head. He had to put the hood of his sweatshirt over his eyes they hurt so bad. And we wait. Dr comes by finally and Borg tells him the story. Dr orders a CAT Scan. Now a few years ago I (who never suffer from headaches) had this same pain. CAT was clean. The DR never looked at my neck. Which turns out to be where the problem was. So I tell the DR about my experience and would he please Xray Borgs neck just to be sure. He said if it was in MY professional medical opinion he needed one, he would ordered it.(can you hear the sarcasm) So they jack Borg up with meds and away he goes. CAT and xrays comeback clear. So good news no stroke/brain bleed. Next diagnosis is meningitis. Only way to find that out is by lumbar puncture. He finally after 5 hours in the hall gets a private ER room. And low and be hold a new DR is taking his case. Guess the old one (he was the jerk I had a few weeks ago) didn't like me speaking up. But That's OK I like this one better. Borg gets into position and the DR tries to find the spot but no luck. Borg is a really big muscular guy and it was impossible to feel anything. So by now it's after 7pm and no radiologist on duty to use a floriscope to find vertebra and get test done. But they start him on all the meds as if he has meningitis. Steroids, kick ass antibiotics and more pain meds. Borg was getting Dalautin (not sure of spelling) 10x more powerful than morphine we were told. Should knock out a horse. One shot did me in but not Borg the Big. Every 2 1/2 hours he was dying again. Now the decision is made to keep him overnight so they can have the test done in the am. I leave the hospital about 10pm (9 hours after we got there) and the waiting room is still packed. Borg has night from hell. Pain will not go away completely and night nurse won't give him pain meds as needed. I go back around 9am and his is having the lumbar puncture done. I went through the same thing when I was there a few years ago. Now we wait some more. Finally at 1 pm they send us home. Tell Borg to rest and follow up with new DR. Test results come back clean. So he took all this medication for no reason. And he still has a headache although not as bad. Now we still have no idea why his blood pressure was so high. Was this causing the headache? Was it a result of the headache? Thousands of dollars later we still have no answers. He is calling new DR in the am. Hopefully with ER recommendation he can get seen asap. I can't fathom going through all this and still not knowing why he hurts so bad. Hopefully we will get some answers this week. And to top it all off I came down with the flu. Trying to take care of him and myself is proving to be a challenge. All I want to do is sleep. We both need to get better soon.

Friday I was having a lousy day. I weigh myself every Friday morning and this week the scale didn't move. I decided that it must be my old spring scale. Off to Walmart I go. I'm dressed in wide leg yoga/lounge pants. Something I never wear out of the house. I big teeshirt and Patriots sweatshirt about 10 sizes too big. Not very flattering I assure you. I pull into a space and a young man backs his little matchbox pickup into the space next to mine. Now we try to open our doors at the same time which wont work. I motion to him to go first. He gets out and closes his door and heads to the front of his truck. I open my door and catch my shoe in my pant leg. I then fall out of my SanteFe onto the ground. Now that's bad enough in itself but my pocketbook opens up and money starts flying around. About $150 in small bills from LE's girl Scout cookies. So I throw myself on my stomach to keep the bills from sailing away. I look like a crack dealer trying to grab her stash back. My brand new cell phone skids to a stop under this guy's truck. He starts yelling "Mam are you ok?" and rushes to my aide. Ok he called me mam. Have I gotten that old that I'm now a mam to twenty somethings? So I tell him that only my pride is hurt but I need to get my daughters gs cookie money picked up. He is polite enough to point out that my cell is under his truck. I tell him I'll get it as soon as the money is back in my pocketbook. He looks at me then at his truck and says "Why don't I get it for you. " This is funny because the truck is really little and very low to the ground. I guess he figured there was no way my ass was going to fit under his truck. He was small about 5'4 and 140 maybe. SO he lays down and gets my cell for me. Needless to say I wanted to DIE right there in the Walmart parking lot. I wasn't hurt but felt like an idiot. But I brush myself off and go in the store. I get my new digital scale and head home. I pull it out of the box set it like the directions said to and climb on. The f--cking thing tells me I weigh 13lbs more than my old scale does. I get LE to get on both. Her weight is the same. I call Marty out into the kitchen. Low and freakin' behold they say the same thing. But me, nope 13 freakin' lbs more. Needless to say that sucker is back in the box and going back to Walmart. This time no yogapants. This fat diva doesn't want to end up on the ground again. Oh and if the guy had been really studly I would have played dead until the EMT's got there. That way I wouldn't have to face him.

Today I'm kinda unhappy. I started going to the gym in January. I love the place. It's all women of all shapes and sizes. Young and old alike. In 2 months I lost 20lbs. I also lost the following: 1 3/4 inches off my thighs, 1/2 inch off upper arms, 1 inch off waist, 1 inch off my hips and about 3/4 inch off my calves. Now to you it may sound wonderful. But I haven't lost any weight in about 7-8 days. I get the fact that inches are just as important but the scale really needs to drop at least a little to make me completely happy. I spend almost 2 hours a day there. I've switched from treadmill to treadclimber( 2x the workout) I've increased all my weights(but not too much). But the scale isn't moving. So tonight I'm going to rest. I'll talk to the trainer in the am. I know I really can't cut back much more on my food intake and still be able to workout. So I feel like I've done a lot but not enough. Tomorrow I'll "run" in the am while borg sleeps and go back in the pm for weights and another "run". I've lost 120 lbs so far. I just want the other 70 gone. Then I'll feel like I've really accomplished something. I want to fit into the size 12 tankini I have hanging upstairs by July. Friend at work has a brother-in-law who went to India for a LapBand procedure. Here it costs over 25 thousand dollars. He paid 8 grand for the trip and surgery. Wish I had that kind of cash laying around. I might just do the same thing.

I went to my mamo this morning. All is well in the land of diva's boobs. Nothing questionable was found. Now the question is why am I having this searing pain. But I can live with that knowing I'm ok. I had several ideas for this post but as I sit here I can't think of a thing. Guess I'm too happy about my test results but I reserve the right to come back later.

For those of you who have never worked in a grocery store this post is for you. I am working on 20 years with the same company. I call it "As the Stop and Shop Turns". If I had better skills as a writer I could make money by turning this place into a soap opera. There is romance: I would know, it's where I met my husband. It has intrigue: who's backstabbing who to get ahead/or to get more payroll hours for their department. There's danger; on occasion we have the shoplifter who needs to be taken down by 3 0r 4 of our bigger guys.I've often wondered why someone hasn't gone "postal" after working in a grocery store for years. When a customer wants an 18lb turkey and after searching through 50 freakin' birds you find one that weighs 18.16lbs and she doesn't take it because it's too big, you really wish you had a fire arm or a taser. I keep asking for a cattle prod for my birthday. Just a little jolt here and there and maybe people wouldn't be so picky. Really, if you're making meatloaf and the recipe calls for 1lb of burger, a few extra ounces isn't going to kill it. And if your at the deli and the american cheese is a slice over a lb take it home and give it to the cat/dog. One year turkeys were on sale for 25cents a lb. I started carrying a pocket full of quarters. When the bird was too big and they didn't want to spend the extra money I handed them the quarter and said "the exta is on me". Not sure why I didn't get fired that year. For the most part I really do love my job. If you ask me for something politely(because I am human you know) I will respond with the best service I can. Bark at me and I may just bite back. Oh and if you want to know who is sleeping with who in any given store, ask the store manager because male or female they are like mothers. They know EVERYTHING!!!

Just to let you know, the lump a few years ago was nothing. Just some scar tissue in a duct. I'm praying, although my symptoms are very different this time, that this is nothing also.

I should be cleaning but I'm not. I was thinking back to the last mamo I had to go through. As women we really get screwed by the things our bodies do to us. First there's the dreaded growing of boobs(if you're lucky). Now all the boys want to do is pop you're bra strap. Then we get our "friend". Like to meet the person who came up with that moniker. Then if you chose or are so blessed to get pregnant we get to waddle around for 40 weeks with what felt like to me ,an alien being, growning inside us. Then comes labor and delivery. At least then we get to go home with a cute little bundle of joy. Oh I forgot, yearly ob-gyn appts. Cold metal things being thrust where cold metal things just don't belong. Then as we get older mamograms. After going through my first one, I thought not so bad. Then 2 years later my doctor found a lump. Off I go for a bi-lateral mamo. My boob was squished in so many directions I lost count. The very nice tech says(after putting about 100psi of pressure on my boob) "Now don't breathe" I want to meet the woman who CAN breathe with her boob in a vise. Because she is a better woman then me. So all these things we go through and men complain when the dr says drop your pants and cough. Walk in our shoes guys. Just for a little while.You'll all be hiding under the covers with your blankies.

I want to write something funny today, but nothings coming. I have mamo appointment next Tuesday with possible MRI after. The weather sucks and LE is sick. I picked her up from school early today. Nasty cold just won't let go of the poor thing. I don't want to use this as a place to complain so I'll be short today. I'm working so hard on changing my outside. 5 days a week in the gym is a huge commitment. Now I wish I could change some of the things that I want on the inside. Sometimes I think I am very hard to love. Maybe that's why things with Borg are the way they are. I know this is cryptic but I'm not sure the world is ready to hear my martial problems. I guess I can't change how I want to be loved anymore than he can change how he loves me. It just isn't what I want it to be. It hasn't been for a very long time. So long that it doesn't really even hurt anymore. It just is. My mantra "IT is what it is". Now what do I do about it.

Secrets from the Fat Chick

I have a secret. Since not many people read this I feel I can share it. At the gym I go to 4-5 days a week, I have a favorite machine. YES, I said it. I Lauren aka Diva have a favorite treadclimber. I like the one on the left. The right one makes my hip hurt. It seems to be out of balance. Alot of the girls at the gym have said the same thing but the owner doesn't feel it. She must be out of balance. But who would have thought "I" would have a favorite piece of workout equipment. Seems weird to me. But I really do love the thing. For those of you who don't know what it is...it's like a treadmill on steriods. Feels like walking in the sand. It burns about 600 plus calories an hour. In 32 minutes my heart rate stays above 140 and I burn around 350 calories. That's with keeping the treadles in the minimum position. I'd probably have heart faliure if I moved them to maximum. So the fat chick has fallen in love with a machine. Go figure. Maybe someday I'll be the diva formerly known as the fat chick.







P.S. Went to Dr. today. She has found some thicking in my right breast and is sending me for a mamo and possibly MRI.

ER Doctors

I have to be really sick or in pain to go to the Dr. Other than my yearly ob-gyn checkup(which is usually bi-yearly)I don't run everytime I have a cold or ache/pain. Yesterday was an exception. I've been having twinges of pain in my right breast for some months now.(yes months) But when the pain became deeper and constant I decided to go the ER. It was snowing so I hoped it would be quiet which it was. Once I told admit I was having RIGHT side chest/breast pain I was wisked into a curtain with a 12 lead EKG. That came out normal. Ok no heart attack which I was pretty sure it wasn't because of where the pain is. So now I have blood taken(several tubes) and wait to see a doctor. Nurse Patty was wonderful. He comes in and listens to my lungs and orderes a chest xray. That comes back normal so he sends me home. The pain as gotten worse as I sit a total of 3 hours in the er but without ever actually touching where the pain is coming from, I am discharged. He tells me it's a pulled muscle. Now, I feel like a red hot skewer is being thrust through my nipple into my boob. I'm not looking to have Dr.Wiener(yes his real name) feel me up for the heck of it but don't you think a quick breast exam/mamo was called for in this case. ? Now I have to wait to see my ob-gyn and the pain is still here and getting worse. And I"m scared. REALLY scared.

Strollers in public

Now I have an 11yr old daughter who was once stroller age and size.(although i can't seem to remember her being that little now) I understand the need for them but after an afternoon of having them run up my ankles in a very busy public place I think we need to have some stroller rules printed up. Rule 1: you must keep a reasonable distance away from others. Just like driving a car. Rule 2: double wide strollers should need an escort vehicle just like those big rigs on the highway have. A yellow sign and some flashing lights to let you know one is coming. Rule 3: Under NO circumstance is the child whose butt belongs in the stroller allowed to push it around. IT IS NOT CUTE when he/she rams into anything in it's path. If you can't drive a car till 16 than the same should go for stollers. Rule 4: Maybe stroller owners should have to be licensed. A written and pratical exam like an obstacle course could be set up. If you don't pass you have to wear a snuggly instead.

If I offended any men who can make meatloaf I offer my apologies.

Todays topic is meatloaf. Why is it that given 2lbs of ground meat, a woman can go to the fridge and cabinets and throw together a great meatloaf? If there are no breadcrumbs some day old hardrolls or bread can be softened with a little milk and viola: dinner. Today after working and a vicous workout at the gym, I left dinner in my husbands hands. At 5 after 5 I asked him if he planned on eating tonight. He forgot he was suposed to make dinner. Did we have meatloaf as planned: NOPE! Because there weren't any breadcrumbs. After trying from the shower to explain what alternatives there were I gave up. Needless to say we had ham and eggs. Not the green Dr Seus kind but tasty none the less. So my question is why can't men make a meatloaf without breadcrumbs? Or any meal without asking 12 different stupid questions. I do it 360 days a year with no help. How do I do it?

Today was a really nice day off from work. LE slept at a friends house. Marty went in work for 5 am. The dogs and I stayed in bed till 9. Then with a quiet house, I cleaned, payed bills, shredded old bills and went to a hair appointment. Only Roxie knows my true color and how gray I am. I pay her very well for her silence. Then it was off to the gym. My shins have been bothering me a bit so I tried the Nordic Treadclimber instead of the treadmill. WOW!!! What a workout that is. I was able to cut my cardio down by 10 minutes but increase my calorie burn by almost 150. So thats my new favorite machine. I've been getting a few compliments in the past couple of days. People are starting to notice a change which is a huge inspiration to me. I love sweating and knowing that each step gets me closer to my goal. I lost another pound and am hoping for a total of 5 more before the end of the month. Tonight I'm going to enjoy a pot of tea in my new mug I had made. It has Marty and Le's picture on it. My 2 favorite people in the world. Corny isn't it. So tomorow is another new day and hopefully will be as [eaceful as today was.

Why can't things be easy

Why is it that everytime my mother asks me to do something for her I feel the urge to drink heavily? She is 69 yrs old and acts about 105. She had a mantra for years, all she wanted to do was sit. She couldn't wait to stop working. The funny thing is she sat at work. For years in the operations department of a bank then after that at a car dealership as a receptionist. Lots of sitting and getting paid for it. Few years ago she had a fall and tore her rotator cuff in left shoulder. She's right handed by the way. So it was a perfect excuse to stop working. She really couldn't afford it so we (my husband and I: we own a 2 family house) were forced to drop her rent to waaaay below market value to match her now greatly reduced income. Now she has sat watching court tv for 3 solid years and her muscles have finally given up. For years we tried to tell her to move. Get up, walk around the block,SOMETHING!! Now she is forced to use a wallker because her legs won't work anymore. I have spent 2 weeks trying to obtain a bedside comode because she can't even walk to the bathroom without a walker. The red tape you have to go through to get something like this covered by medicare is mindbogling. So something she has brought on herself is making me run around town like a nut case and I'm getting annoyed.

Well my family thinks I'm nuts but I'm going to give this a try anyways.

This first post

I finally made it to the world of blogging. Not sure what I'll write about or when but I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head. I've been reading some amazing blogs lately and decided to dive in. Most of what I post will be boring . I'm not into politics or new media. I'm just a wife and mother. I work in a grocery store so there may be a few interesting tidbits from the strange and unique people I meet there. Maybe it will just be a place to unwind mentally at the end of the day. So if you are a friend or just really bored stop by. Who knows what you might find.