Just to let you know, the lump a few years ago was nothing. Just some scar tissue in a duct. I'm praying, although my symptoms are very different this time, that this is nothing also.

I should be cleaning but I'm not. I was thinking back to the last mamo I had to go through. As women we really get screwed by the things our bodies do to us. First there's the dreaded growing of boobs(if you're lucky). Now all the boys want to do is pop you're bra strap. Then we get our "friend". Like to meet the person who came up with that moniker. Then if you chose or are so blessed to get pregnant we get to waddle around for 40 weeks with what felt like to me ,an alien being, growning inside us. Then comes labor and delivery. At least then we get to go home with a cute little bundle of joy. Oh I forgot, yearly ob-gyn appts. Cold metal things being thrust where cold metal things just don't belong. Then as we get older mamograms. After going through my first one, I thought not so bad. Then 2 years later my doctor found a lump. Off I go for a bi-lateral mamo. My boob was squished in so many directions I lost count. The very nice tech says(after putting about 100psi of pressure on my boob) "Now don't breathe" I want to meet the woman who CAN breathe with her boob in a vise. Because she is a better woman then me. So all these things we go through and men complain when the dr says drop your pants and cough. Walk in our shoes guys. Just for a little while.You'll all be hiding under the covers with your blankies.

I want to write something funny today, but nothings coming. I have mamo appointment next Tuesday with possible MRI after. The weather sucks and LE is sick. I picked her up from school early today. Nasty cold just won't let go of the poor thing. I don't want to use this as a place to complain so I'll be short today. I'm working so hard on changing my outside. 5 days a week in the gym is a huge commitment. Now I wish I could change some of the things that I want on the inside. Sometimes I think I am very hard to love. Maybe that's why things with Borg are the way they are. I know this is cryptic but I'm not sure the world is ready to hear my martial problems. I guess I can't change how I want to be loved anymore than he can change how he loves me. It just isn't what I want it to be. It hasn't been for a very long time. So long that it doesn't really even hurt anymore. It just is. My mantra "IT is what it is". Now what do I do about it.

Secrets from the Fat Chick

I have a secret. Since not many people read this I feel I can share it. At the gym I go to 4-5 days a week, I have a favorite machine. YES, I said it. I Lauren aka Diva have a favorite treadclimber. I like the one on the left. The right one makes my hip hurt. It seems to be out of balance. Alot of the girls at the gym have said the same thing but the owner doesn't feel it. She must be out of balance. But who would have thought "I" would have a favorite piece of workout equipment. Seems weird to me. But I really do love the thing. For those of you who don't know what it is...it's like a treadmill on steriods. Feels like walking in the sand. It burns about 600 plus calories an hour. In 32 minutes my heart rate stays above 140 and I burn around 350 calories. That's with keeping the treadles in the minimum position. I'd probably have heart faliure if I moved them to maximum. So the fat chick has fallen in love with a machine. Go figure. Maybe someday I'll be the diva formerly known as the fat chick.







P.S. Went to Dr. today. She has found some thicking in my right breast and is sending me for a mamo and possibly MRI.

ER Doctors

I have to be really sick or in pain to go to the Dr. Other than my yearly ob-gyn checkup(which is usually bi-yearly)I don't run everytime I have a cold or ache/pain. Yesterday was an exception. I've been having twinges of pain in my right breast for some months now.(yes months) But when the pain became deeper and constant I decided to go the ER. It was snowing so I hoped it would be quiet which it was. Once I told admit I was having RIGHT side chest/breast pain I was wisked into a curtain with a 12 lead EKG. That came out normal. Ok no heart attack which I was pretty sure it wasn't because of where the pain is. So now I have blood taken(several tubes) and wait to see a doctor. Nurse Patty was wonderful. He comes in and listens to my lungs and orderes a chest xray. That comes back normal so he sends me home. The pain as gotten worse as I sit a total of 3 hours in the er but without ever actually touching where the pain is coming from, I am discharged. He tells me it's a pulled muscle. Now, I feel like a red hot skewer is being thrust through my nipple into my boob. I'm not looking to have Dr.Wiener(yes his real name) feel me up for the heck of it but don't you think a quick breast exam/mamo was called for in this case. ? Now I have to wait to see my ob-gyn and the pain is still here and getting worse. And I"m scared. REALLY scared.

Strollers in public

Now I have an 11yr old daughter who was once stroller age and size.(although i can't seem to remember her being that little now) I understand the need for them but after an afternoon of having them run up my ankles in a very busy public place I think we need to have some stroller rules printed up. Rule 1: you must keep a reasonable distance away from others. Just like driving a car. Rule 2: double wide strollers should need an escort vehicle just like those big rigs on the highway have. A yellow sign and some flashing lights to let you know one is coming. Rule 3: Under NO circumstance is the child whose butt belongs in the stroller allowed to push it around. IT IS NOT CUTE when he/she rams into anything in it's path. If you can't drive a car till 16 than the same should go for stollers. Rule 4: Maybe stroller owners should have to be licensed. A written and pratical exam like an obstacle course could be set up. If you don't pass you have to wear a snuggly instead.

If I offended any men who can make meatloaf I offer my apologies.

Todays topic is meatloaf. Why is it that given 2lbs of ground meat, a woman can go to the fridge and cabinets and throw together a great meatloaf? If there are no breadcrumbs some day old hardrolls or bread can be softened with a little milk and viola: dinner. Today after working and a vicous workout at the gym, I left dinner in my husbands hands. At 5 after 5 I asked him if he planned on eating tonight. He forgot he was suposed to make dinner. Did we have meatloaf as planned: NOPE! Because there weren't any breadcrumbs. After trying from the shower to explain what alternatives there were I gave up. Needless to say we had ham and eggs. Not the green Dr Seus kind but tasty none the less. So my question is why can't men make a meatloaf without breadcrumbs? Or any meal without asking 12 different stupid questions. I do it 360 days a year with no help. How do I do it?

Today was a really nice day off from work. LE slept at a friends house. Marty went in work for 5 am. The dogs and I stayed in bed till 9. Then with a quiet house, I cleaned, payed bills, shredded old bills and went to a hair appointment. Only Roxie knows my true color and how gray I am. I pay her very well for her silence. Then it was off to the gym. My shins have been bothering me a bit so I tried the Nordic Treadclimber instead of the treadmill. WOW!!! What a workout that is. I was able to cut my cardio down by 10 minutes but increase my calorie burn by almost 150. So thats my new favorite machine. I've been getting a few compliments in the past couple of days. People are starting to notice a change which is a huge inspiration to me. I love sweating and knowing that each step gets me closer to my goal. I lost another pound and am hoping for a total of 5 more before the end of the month. Tonight I'm going to enjoy a pot of tea in my new mug I had made. It has Marty and Le's picture on it. My 2 favorite people in the world. Corny isn't it. So tomorow is another new day and hopefully will be as [eaceful as today was.

Why can't things be easy

Why is it that everytime my mother asks me to do something for her I feel the urge to drink heavily? She is 69 yrs old and acts about 105. She had a mantra for years, all she wanted to do was sit. She couldn't wait to stop working. The funny thing is she sat at work. For years in the operations department of a bank then after that at a car dealership as a receptionist. Lots of sitting and getting paid for it. Few years ago she had a fall and tore her rotator cuff in left shoulder. She's right handed by the way. So it was a perfect excuse to stop working. She really couldn't afford it so we (my husband and I: we own a 2 family house) were forced to drop her rent to waaaay below market value to match her now greatly reduced income. Now she has sat watching court tv for 3 solid years and her muscles have finally given up. For years we tried to tell her to move. Get up, walk around the block,SOMETHING!! Now she is forced to use a wallker because her legs won't work anymore. I have spent 2 weeks trying to obtain a bedside comode because she can't even walk to the bathroom without a walker. The red tape you have to go through to get something like this covered by medicare is mindbogling. So something she has brought on herself is making me run around town like a nut case and I'm getting annoyed.

Well my family thinks I'm nuts but I'm going to give this a try anyways.

This first post

I finally made it to the world of blogging. Not sure what I'll write about or when but I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head. I've been reading some amazing blogs lately and decided to dive in. Most of what I post will be boring . I'm not into politics or new media. I'm just a wife and mother. I work in a grocery store so there may be a few interesting tidbits from the strange and unique people I meet there. Maybe it will just be a place to unwind mentally at the end of the day. So if you are a friend or just really bored stop by. Who knows what you might find.