I'm choosing red for this post because it's all about anger and betrayal. In a previous post I mentioned that we would like to sell our house. I own a 2 family with with my mom and sister on the first floor. It's very difficult to have family so close. Even though we are in 2 separate apartments there is no privacy. If I argue with my husband my mother can hear us. If I have to reprimand my daughter for something my mother hears it and will almost always tell me I'm wrong. But what happened last week went over the top. But first the back story about my sister.

She is 4 years older than me and has been divorced for many years. Her husband came out of the closet and that's OK...it's who he is and he deserves to be happy. But my sister married at 18 and he was 17 because they got pregnant. My parents (also divorced) had always warned us that pregnancy or drugs would mean being disowned. That didn't happen. Instead they threw my sister a a small quiet wedding. No grandchild was ever more welcomed than he was. My mother became the proud grandmother.The world rose and set on this little boy. 7 years later another little boy came along. But after my brother inlaw came out I took his place. As a single woman at the time my sister was my best friend. We did everything together. When she didn't have a car she had mine. Little league doctor's apointments whatever. I was there. I treated her older son as my own. When the home she lived in was put up for sale by her mother inlaw a decision was made for her and the boys to rent a house with my mother. My mom had stopped driving and this would enable my sister to be her transportation. It was my moms good credit and money that secured that house. When that house was sold my sister again had no place to go. By then my mom really wanted a place of her own. She found a nice 2 bedroom apartment . At the last minute sister told her older son he had to find his own place. (he was just 18) But she couldn't find anyplace that would rent to her with bad credit. So my mother agreed to let her and the younger son stay with her. I took the older one to live with me. I had no choice he would have been homeless. When I bought this house my father(who i talked to at the time) lived on the first floor. When he moved out we made the decision for day care reasons to have my mom move in here. It made more sense. When we told my sister she said we should have given the place to her. She needed the help more than mom did. Can you say selfish? I knew having my mom here would mean 2 things the rent we asked(needed) for would always be paid on time and I wouldn't have to drag my 3 year old out in the cold when I needed child care. My mother co-signed the lease on the apartment they were sharing so my sister could stay there. Mom's deposit was left to secure the place. Fast forward about 5 years. The house my sister is living is sold. They will let her stay but there is an increase in rent. Ya that happens in real life. People raise rents to cover things like increased water bills, garbage pick up and property taxes. Not something you can do when renting to family. To shorten this abit the new owner after 2 years got tired of the rent being late and aske her to move. Now where does she go? Bad credit and no money for a new place. He older son who she basically had nothing to do with for years when he lived with me didn't want to see his mom homeless. He thought maybe they could get a place together but after looking a few places and sister wanting the biggest room or the private bathroom he decided (rightfully so) he couldn't live with his mom again. It was going to be his money and credit securing the place shouldn't he have the big bedroom ect... So now where does she go. Nephew 1 had a small studio at the time and agreed to let little brother move in with him. With my sister looking at the homeless shelter we let her move in downstairs with my mom. It was supposed to be temporary. It's been 3 years this month. My mom paid out almost $300 to put sister's stuff in storage. Has yet to see the money. Sister didn't pay rent fot the last 2 months in the apartment. No security deposit was refunded. Mom's now out $500. Utility bills in the thousands in my mom's name still haven't been paid. During all this time sister has only worked a part time job. She was offered full time on many occasions but turned it down. Oh and mom also bought her 3 cars in about 6 years. First one was totaled out in the driveway by letting her 15 yr old son drive it and he hit a stone wall. Number 2 died from lack of care and number 3 was left to sit for a few years because she didn't want to have to pay for insurance. Taking the bus and getting rides from me was easier. My cousin now drives it. Runs like a top.

From the moment I started dating my husband and after we were married sister was included in everything we did. He has often joked that it was BOGO. Buy a wife and get one free. Trips to the beach, concerts and once LE was born we went to Sesame Place every year and sister was always included. When I was to be married I basically had to plan my own shower. She couldn't be bothered. My future husband paid for all the food and decorations so I would have my special time as a bride to be. I could go on and on(not that i haven't already) but I think you get the point here. After my daughter was born she was a stay at home mom taking care of someone else's child. I asked her if she could watch LE a few hours a week and she said yes. I mean she was already there being a nanny to a stranger's child why not mine. When she didn't want to take any money(the last generous thing she did) we sent her to Florida with her sons for 12 days to visit our father. To this day I've never been to Florida but she went and on my dime. 3 years ago (after she moved in here) my husband and I rented a house in Maine for a week. She was outraged that she wasn't going with us. She never said anything to me but since we work for the same company things get back to me. Oh ya I got her a job at my store years ago. She is living in my house but now wants to go on vacation with me too. The house was small and there really wasn't room. Besides I knew she didn't have a money to chip in for something bigger so why ask. 2 summers ago we took our vacation money and put in a pool in the back yard. For the last 2 seasons sister works only till about noon. She comes home and grabs lunch and sits outside in the pool allllllll day. Seriously from noon to about 6 pm in the good weather. I wasn't able to reduce my hours at work this summer like I usually do. LE was here in our apartment alone but never once did my sister come up and offer to make her lunch or join her outside. LE is 12 so no calls to DCF. She is really ok to be left alone with having people in the house but that isn't the point. After everything I have done for her sons( and her)over the years I think the least she could do is offer up a grilled cheese sandwich or some company. When in trouble her kids still turn to me before either of their parents. So now the the part of the story that makes me see red.

We are HUGE Patriots fans. In our youth our father took us to several games. Back then he could get tickets for about $15. When my parents divorced and we were older my sister and I caught a few games together. Then they became champs and ticket prices went sky high. My husband had never been to a game and 4 years ago after searching ebay I managed to get tickets for our anniversary. Boy was she pissed. Next year we went again and she was pissed again. Really pissed. Now these are $150 tickets. I can barely scrap together enough for ours I can't buy her a seat too. Besides this is like our big treat all year. I put away income tax money just for this reason. Last year we went again for my birthday. Buy dumb luck my husband's sister called and wanted to know if we wanted to buy tickets to the game 2 weeks later. Only standing room but who cares. I was now wracked with guilt to be able to go to 2 games in one year so my only question was can we get 3 tickets so I can take my sister? Done. So for her birthday we all went to the game . Tailgate food, booze, gas, parking all on us. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER! Awesome right? Now this year money was tight and we could only get tickets to a pre-season game but that's ok still a game. Fast forward to 10/19/08. A customer that knows my sister works for a company that has season tickts to the Patriots. He has 2 seats nobody wants for the Monday night game 10/20. Would she like them free of charge? Hell yes she says. Here's the good part. Our father who told me last summer that he never wanted a second child and I should be glad to just be alive has relocated here to CT. When he arrived in January he came to see me and denied saying it to me when I brought it up. He asked if we could talk again (i was at work at the time) could he call me or could we get together for lunch I said ok but I was really hurt. I have never heard from him again. He came here for Easter dinner in my Mom's place but never even bothered to come up stairs. He comes here at least twice a month to take sister to lunch or whatever. He denies it ever took place but the kicker is my sister was standing there when he said it. She has never once told him that she heard him. On my daughter's birthday she went to his house to watch the game. She has watched every game with us in the time she has lived here until that day. Broke my daughter's heart. Now she has these tickets. And 10/26 is my birthday. What a great gift that would be right? A small repayment for everything I've done for her all these years but no such luck. She took our father instead. When I asked her if she even thought about taking me her response was that I was here 2nd choice. I get to go to games with my husband so why should she take me. This year my husband and I went to Pat's training camp a few times. We didn't ask her to go becasue this is the only time all summer we get to be alone. With her outside everyday in our pool we don't have any alone time. Can't float around quietly or talk privately because she is ALWAYS there. When we have friends over she's there. Get the picture? The only way to be alone on a hot summer day is to drive 2 hours and watch our team practice But that makes me a bad guy for not taking her. She had a choice to make when this great thing happened to her. As I see it she made the wrong one. The day before my birthday she sent up a small gift and a card that said she was sorry I was upset but she felt she made the right choice because father had never been to the new stadium. I hope they enjoyed themselves. I hope she realizes what her choice cost her. Maybe I'm just jealous? But maybe I'm tired of always giving and never getting anything back. We continue to struggle to keep this house over all of our heads in this terrible economy. I'm in search of a new full time job or a second part time to add to our income. She works 16-18 hours and comes home to a nice place surrounded by family and no worries about anything. In a town where just a room rents for 125-150 aweek she pays us $200 per month.

Sorry about the length of this tirade but somethings just can't be held in. I only hope someday she realizes how lucky she is. But by then I think it will be too late to fix things.

I've Been Dumped

I've been dumped. It is no longer "cool" to be seen with your mom at a town festival. Le is 12 years old. She stands 5'5" and can kick butt if needed. She is everything tomboy and girlie all rolled into one. She wanted to go downtown for Celebrate Wallingford. Crafts, food,touch a truck, jumping things ect. But after being there for about 15 minutes she realized that it is no longer in her best interest as a cool kid to be there with her totally uncool mom. She ran into a friend from school whose mom has a tent there. I left her for 5 minutes to check out a few more crafters and came back to find her gone. After calling her cell phone which she didn't answer, panic set in. Now to correctly set the scene you have to know this fair takes place in our downtown. This is a small town in New England and the town green is complete with white gazabo and about 20 policemen walking around. Not much exciting happens around here. It is also only 2 blocks from our house. 2 small blocks. So why did I panic? I grew up in this neighborhood just 7 houses away from where I live. During the summer you got on your bike and rode all day. Cardinal rule, be home when the church bells rang at 6 o'clock. Now I panic and try to find my child in a crowd. Why? Why does it have to be so different? She really isn't a little girl anymore. I was going off younger than her doing stuff with my friends. Riding our bikes almost a mile away to the community pool. But I can't fathom leaving Le 2 blocks from the house. 2 small blocks. After a call to my husband (he's at work) and finding her again. I decided to let go just a bit. I gave her 20 bucks and came home. She's hanging with friends downtown on a beautiful autum day. Having fried dough and feeling grown up. She's only 2 blocks away. 2 very large blocks from this desk.

Top Ten Things That Should Never Be Seen in a Grocery Store

I've seen alot of things in my 20 year career in a large grocery store. Below is my top ten list of things that should never be seen in a grocery store.

#10. Children walking around with no shoes.
# 9. Babies wearing only a diaper and nothing else.
# 8. Sports bra shorts and a pregnant belly
# 7. Any couple making out
# 6. Nursing a baby sitting on my meat case.
# 5. Pink fuzzy bedroom slippers.
# 4. Pj pants with pink fuzzy slippers
# 3. Bath robe, pj's and pink fuzzy slippers.
# 2. Curlers
# 1. Red satin lingerie pj's so small the top doesn't meet the bottom and big saggy boobs hanging out from underneath the top nipples totally visible.

My Lesbionic Hair cut

Several months ago I decided to stop coloring my hair. I haven't had natural hair color for almost 12 years. I stopped while I was pregnant with Le. My husband bought me a gift certificate to my salon as a "birth day" present after she was born. I had my hair colored again when she was 10 days old. It's been every color of the rainbow except jet black. All shades of red, purple even bleach blond. But I thought I try the natural look for awhile. All of the women in my mother's family (except her) went white by the time they were 20. They all had big boobs and no butts. My mother got no boobs and a big butt and like mother like daughter. She still has only a small amount of gray at almost 70. I am almost 80% gray. The only way to let my hair grow out the color was to cut it very short ala Jamie Leigh Curtis. Most of my friends have been really supportive. The only person I was worried about was my husband. He has never cared what I did to my hair. Long, short, curly, straight. Never mattered. But now I feel like I look so much older than he does. He is 4 years younger than I am and I feel for the first time in our relationship, I look my age.
The other night I had the great pleasure of meeting a friend of a friend. Scott is an openly gay man totally in love with his new husband Dan. He and I got along fantasticaly till he refered to my Lesbionic haircut. Now who would know better than a gay man about lesbionic hair? So now what do I do. Leave it natural and short or go back to coloring and let it grow? Now that everybody knows how much gray I have I think I'll look silly coloring again. But this really bothered me. It saves me $100 plus amonth but I feel old and ugly. What to do ...oh what to do.

A blog about blogs

I love blogs. I have "met" many amazing people through their blogs. Men and women alike. Some make me laugh so hard I think I just might wet myself. Now if I was techno savy enough I could link their blogs here. But alas I haven't gotten that far yet in my education of blogging. For now I'll just have to talk a little about them. A man in California has just sold his first book. If it reads as well as his blog does, I'll be one of the first to buy it. He's funny because he talks about everyday life with the humor of a boy stuck in a man's body. A woman in Florida makes me laugh for the same reasons. But they both can make you sad and thoughtful too. I've "met" 3 amazing women who are cancer victims. One with her PHD has 2 small boys and had a career at NASA. She has beat (so far) imflammatory breast cancer. An artist near DC has battled invasive lobular breast cancer. Both women are awe inspiring to read. The openness and honesty with which they have shared their battles is breath taking. Lisa in PA is battling cancer for the third time. I proudly wear one of the bracelets she makes to bring awareness to ovarian cancer. She has 2 tween girls and I pray everyday that she gets to see them grow up. I wish this for all of them. They are all in different stages of their life. They come from different backgrounds but they all have one thing in common: they write with humor and honesty and incredible wisdom.

Several times during the day I will have a thought or something will happen and I'll say to myself "Diva that would make a great blog post!" yes...I call myself Diva. But I spend so much time reading other peoples words, I don't have time for my own. I think I'm going to try and change that. Just like I find time to go to the gym to continue on my weight loss journey., I'm going to find time to write. Maybe I'll end up like another blogger I read who makes 40k a month blogging.

A bunch of stuff

My last post was about selling my house. Unfortunately Borg is going through a health crisis right now. He has very high blood pressure and has been diagnosed with cushings disease. The doctor thinks he has a tumor somewhere in his body causing him to produce too much adrenaline. Until we get the results of several test taken, we don't know where or even if there is a tumor. So selling is on the back burner. We did have to agents come visit the house. The first gave us a selling price that was dead on what we wanted. The second agent told us our house was worth 60 grand less. Not sure how 2 opinions could be so different. For now we are staying put.

Something happened at work the other day that still has me shaking my head. I work in a large supermarket. I was in the ladies room drying my hands when the door opened. A customer who shops almost everyday came walking in. She had the zipper down on her white denim shorts and the flaps pulled open. As she walked the length of the bathroom she proceeded to pull down her shorts so that by the time she got to the last stall, her naked ass was completely out. She entered the stall sat down (i couldn't see thank god) but didn't shut the door. I then heard her start doing her business and it wasn't just peeing. She was having quite the bowel movement. Can someone please tell what has happened to common decency? Now every time this broad shops in my store I'll be see her naked ass in my mind. Not a pretty sight. Why can't a hot looking guy drop his pants in front of me? Now that would be a good thing. But then again why would he be in the ladies room? hmmm O well. I could make a reality TV show out of what goes on in supermarket.

Diva's New House

About 9 years ago my father (he lived in FL at the time) called to tell me he was selling his house down there and would I look for a 2 family house. He was breaking up with his girl friend and was selling his house . LE was 2 at the time and we lived in a beautiful old Victorian house as renters. Buying a home was a dream but we hadn't yet saved a down payment. My father agreed to give us the 10 thousand dollar down payment as my inheritance . We would not be obligated to pay him back. After seeing several dumps we found this house. It was empty and didn't need any work but changing the paint color in our bedrooms to match our taste. So in we moved. Father on the 1st floor and the 3 of us on the 2 and 3 floors. The thing is, I have paid this mortgage for 9 years and have never felt like it was mine. One day I found he had dug a veggie garden in the middle of the backyard. I do mean right smack dab in the middle. When we wanted a swing set for LE he argued that it wasn't anything needed in his yard. Do you see a trend here. HIS ,always referred to as his. After more than a year he found a new girl (if you can call a 72 yr old a girl) and decided to move in with her and why not then he didn't have any rent to pay(he gave us $200 a month for a $600-700 apartment) . Then we had to make a choice on who to move in downstairs. It's a whole other blog but my sister and mother were sharing a small apartment at the time. We asked my mother to move in so we had child care for LE. This worked out OK for a few years. But as time went on she had issues. First it was drinking. LE found her face down on the floor and she had to go to the hospital to dry out. Then she decided she didn't want to work anymore. Her social security wasn't enough to pay us the full rent (which was at least $300 less than market value) so we had to drop the price. Then we had to take over the electric bill. Again a pattern develops. Recently a note was sent up with LE. I HAD(notice the caps here) to deposit money into her checking account because she overdrew. Hmmmm, didn't ask me to borrow money just told me to. In November 2006 my sister's lease was not renewed do to issues with paying rent on time. With no money for security deposit ect she was going to be homeless. My mother was frantic so we allowed her to move into the spare bedroom in my mom's apartment. We asked for a small amount of rent. She was supposed to pay off bills she owed especially the ones she ran up in my mother's name and then save some money to go out on her own. Let's just say she hasn't saved a dime. Now I had a falling out with my father last summer. Basically he told me that he wished I had never been born. He never wanted a second child after sissy dear. This is the 2nd time in my life he told me this. The other was when I supported my mother in the divorce 25 years ago. Thought we had moved passed that but I was wrong. My sister was witness to the exchange last summer. Now daddy dearest relocated back here again in Jan 2008. He showed up at my store with hugs ect. When I pulled away he couldn't understand why. When I explained it to him he denied ever saying it. Still doesn't remember. Think my sister who was standing there would speak up? Nope. In fact she invited him over for Easter dinner. Now my parents are divorced for a reason. My mother hates him. Without asking permission sissy just invited him. My mother was pissed and so was I. I spent my day thinking any minute he would come through the door screaming at me. I was sick to my stomach the whole time. I know my dad and the day is coming near when I'll hear how ungrateful I am. All the years he lived in Fl he would come home for 3 months every summer. I would see him a few days after he got here. Just in time to collect his fathers day/birthday gifts and then just before he was leaving to go back. Oh and the big dinners. I would have to cook a huge expensive meal to entertain him. He would expect all his favorites (75-80 bucks easy). Never once in 8 years did he ever take us out to dinner. Once he had us over to the house he was borrowing. Hot dogs, burgers and a green salad. Whooptie freakin' do. Once he had me, borg ,le , sissy and her 2 boys meet him at restaurant in town. When the check came he handed it to me. ( I gave him the name of a new buffet here) He said you picked it I guess you get the check. I kid you not. But he did give me 20 bucks towards my sisters meal. YAY!! The other $100 was mine to pay. All these years I feel like I've been giving and getting nothing in return. My sister consistently turns down extra hours at work. Why not. She only needs to pay $200 dollars a month to live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with a brand new pool in the yard. Last year borg and I never got to enjoy that pool alone. She was outside everyday. She worked 7-11am and then was in the pool all day. I'm tired of struggling to keep other people afloat. How many times will I come home this summer to find her and dad floating around my pool. When I called my oldest nephew to tell him we are thinking about selling and finding a one family he told me somethings that were said during Easter dinner. Vicious things. Things that made me realize that I NEED to sell this house. I NEED to not worry about dad showing up. I NEED to be able to throw my shoes in the hallway without comments. I NEED to not feel taken advantage of. I NEED to raise my daughter not my mother and sister. I WANT to drop my mortgage payment almost $800 a month. I WANT to be able to cuddle with my husband(alone) in my pool when LE is staying at a friends. I WANT to be free of this awful feeling I have every time I come home. Now I have to tell them we are selling. Wish me luck. If you're in a 200 mile radius you'll probably hear the names they'll be calling me. But I NEED to do this.