HUH????

Working in an all male enviroment is not easy. One of my co-workers has an ego the size of Texas but he comes off as being nice as pie. He really believes that he is God's gift in all things. He ends every sentence with HUH?. So this way you have to respond to what he says. You can be within 2 feet of him and speaking clearly and he will say HUH? and you have to repeat yourself all over again. Imagine this going on for several hours a day. There are days I want to strangle him. He also likes to talk about his sex life. After he caught his wife cheating on him (go figure) he taught himself how to not "finish". This way he could sastify his partner but not have to worry about getting them pregnant. Guess he didn't think he had to worry about STD's. But seriously I don't need to know this stuff. I don't want to know this stuff. He is a likable guy and after several months of working with him I started going "lalalalalala I can't hear you" and he finally got the hint. He isn't crass about it. In fact it's almost like listening to a Danelle Steele novel. All lovey dovey and crap. Still doesn't mean I need to hear about it. Today he spent the entire day fussing. Not really working just fussing with the case. Thank the sweet lord I only have 6 1/2 hours to go before vacation starts.

Long time no blog

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head that I think I need to come here and write on a regular basis. So much happens everyday that I think would be perfect blog material. But why would anyone want to read my words. But really why do we read anyone's blogs. Something catches our eye or it's recomended by another blogger. Maybe someone will read this and refer a friend or two. Or maybe it will just serve as a place for me to come back to reflect on lifes happenings. Whatever happens I'm here and you can call me Diva.

Wow it's been almost a year

Well where did the time go. Didn't realize it's been almost a since I posted last. Not sure what to start with. Let's just sum this year up in a word: SUCKTASTIC!! Yup nothing really good happened this year. Weight loss stalled when the pain in my foot became so bad I couldn't go to the gym for months. I had surgery in September to remove massive heel spurs but I'm still in more pain than I can describe. Work has been really bad. Cut the hours but expect more from each person. Personally I can't work any harder than I do. My ass is as big as 2 people's but I only have two hands. My family (mother and sister) still piss me off on a regular basis. Oh to live in someone elses house while they pay all the bills and watch as things get more expensive and not chip in anymore to live there. My marriage has continued on a downhill spiral to the point of me asking him to leave. Damn if he didn't say no. Bills continue to pile up and I keep hoping that some year come December I won't be saying "just 8 more weeks till I can file income tax." The only bright spot in my life continues to be my daughter. She's what keeps me going in the dark times. I'm amazed everyday at the beauty that I created. And not just on the outside. She is truely beautiful on the inside too. So as I head into a new year I hope for change. Not just in my physical being but in my spirit too. I want peace and prosperity for me and my family. We deserve that as so many others do. We work hard for our money and would really like to have just a little to spend on us. I want to resolve the issues in my marriage or have the courage to end it. I want to get my ass back in the gym and finish getting this extra weight off. I know my arthritis will improve once I start working out again. I hope everybody gets what they want for Christmas and the New Year treats you better than this one did.

Out with the old and in with the new

I'm not a vain person. I'm being honest when I say I am not a pretty person. The only thing I have going for me is my hair. Yes I have great hair. It's been every length and just about every color. Unfortunately all the women in my mom's family when gray very early. I am no exception. For over 20 years I colored my hair. 6 months ago I stopped. What came in was gray. Not that pretty Jamie Lee Curtis gray, just full head salt and pepper. I hated it. It made me look much older than my 43 years. And it made me see my mother in the mirror. I hated it. I received a lot of nice compliments from my friends and family. But I hated it. Get the picture yet. Ya... I really hated it. Monday when I looked in the mirror at the gym after a terrific workout I decided it needed to go. I stopped at my salon and booked the first open appointment with my stylist Roxie. We go back 20 years. She did my hair for my wedding and even took the clothes off the clothes line as my guest were arriving. It's her favorite bride story to tell. She had been trying to talk me out of growing it out all along. But I did it anyways. Tuesday at 3:30 I went in and took at least 15 years off my face. I feel so much better about myself now. It's one thing to not be a pretty woman but I don't need to look old too. Some might say it's just hair but to me it's all I have going for me physically. Maybe when I have completed my weight loss journey I'll think about my physical being differently, but for now it's good bye gray hello whatever the hell combination Roxie colored me with. I couldn't be happier. Now if only the hair color made me look 50lbs thinner along with 15 years younger.

I'm choosing red for this post because it's all about anger and betrayal. In a previous post I mentioned that we would like to sell our house. I own a 2 family with with my mom and sister on the first floor. It's very difficult to have family so close. Even though we are in 2 separate apartments there is no privacy. If I argue with my husband my mother can hear us. If I have to reprimand my daughter for something my mother hears it and will almost always tell me I'm wrong. But what happened last week went over the top. But first the back story about my sister.

She is 4 years older than me and has been divorced for many years. Her husband came out of the closet and that's OK...it's who he is and he deserves to be happy. But my sister married at 18 and he was 17 because they got pregnant. My parents (also divorced) had always warned us that pregnancy or drugs would mean being disowned. That didn't happen. Instead they threw my sister a a small quiet wedding. No grandchild was ever more welcomed than he was. My mother became the proud grandmother.The world rose and set on this little boy. 7 years later another little boy came along. But after my brother inlaw came out I took his place. As a single woman at the time my sister was my best friend. We did everything together. When she didn't have a car she had mine. Little league doctor's apointments whatever. I was there. I treated her older son as my own. When the home she lived in was put up for sale by her mother inlaw a decision was made for her and the boys to rent a house with my mother. My mom had stopped driving and this would enable my sister to be her transportation. It was my moms good credit and money that secured that house. When that house was sold my sister again had no place to go. By then my mom really wanted a place of her own. She found a nice 2 bedroom apartment . At the last minute sister told her older son he had to find his own place. (he was just 18) But she couldn't find anyplace that would rent to her with bad credit. So my mother agreed to let her and the younger son stay with her. I took the older one to live with me. I had no choice he would have been homeless. When I bought this house my father(who i talked to at the time) lived on the first floor. When he moved out we made the decision for day care reasons to have my mom move in here. It made more sense. When we told my sister she said we should have given the place to her. She needed the help more than mom did. Can you say selfish? I knew having my mom here would mean 2 things the rent we asked(needed) for would always be paid on time and I wouldn't have to drag my 3 year old out in the cold when I needed child care. My mother co-signed the lease on the apartment they were sharing so my sister could stay there. Mom's deposit was left to secure the place. Fast forward about 5 years. The house my sister is living is sold. They will let her stay but there is an increase in rent. Ya that happens in real life. People raise rents to cover things like increased water bills, garbage pick up and property taxes. Not something you can do when renting to family. To shorten this abit the new owner after 2 years got tired of the rent being late and aske her to move. Now where does she go? Bad credit and no money for a new place. He older son who she basically had nothing to do with for years when he lived with me didn't want to see his mom homeless. He thought maybe they could get a place together but after looking a few places and sister wanting the biggest room or the private bathroom he decided (rightfully so) he couldn't live with his mom again. It was going to be his money and credit securing the place shouldn't he have the big bedroom ect... So now where does she go. Nephew 1 had a small studio at the time and agreed to let little brother move in with him. With my sister looking at the homeless shelter we let her move in downstairs with my mom. It was supposed to be temporary. It's been 3 years this month. My mom paid out almost $300 to put sister's stuff in storage. Has yet to see the money. Sister didn't pay rent fot the last 2 months in the apartment. No security deposit was refunded. Mom's now out $500. Utility bills in the thousands in my mom's name still haven't been paid. During all this time sister has only worked a part time job. She was offered full time on many occasions but turned it down. Oh and mom also bought her 3 cars in about 6 years. First one was totaled out in the driveway by letting her 15 yr old son drive it and he hit a stone wall. Number 2 died from lack of care and number 3 was left to sit for a few years because she didn't want to have to pay for insurance. Taking the bus and getting rides from me was easier. My cousin now drives it. Runs like a top.

From the moment I started dating my husband and after we were married sister was included in everything we did. He has often joked that it was BOGO. Buy a wife and get one free. Trips to the beach, concerts and once LE was born we went to Sesame Place every year and sister was always included. When I was to be married I basically had to plan my own shower. She couldn't be bothered. My future husband paid for all the food and decorations so I would have my special time as a bride to be. I could go on and on(not that i haven't already) but I think you get the point here. After my daughter was born she was a stay at home mom taking care of someone else's child. I asked her if she could watch LE a few hours a week and she said yes. I mean she was already there being a nanny to a stranger's child why not mine. When she didn't want to take any money(the last generous thing she did) we sent her to Florida with her sons for 12 days to visit our father. To this day I've never been to Florida but she went and on my dime. 3 years ago (after she moved in here) my husband and I rented a house in Maine for a week. She was outraged that she wasn't going with us. She never said anything to me but since we work for the same company things get back to me. Oh ya I got her a job at my store years ago. She is living in my house but now wants to go on vacation with me too. The house was small and there really wasn't room. Besides I knew she didn't have a money to chip in for something bigger so why ask. 2 summers ago we took our vacation money and put in a pool in the back yard. For the last 2 seasons sister works only till about noon. She comes home and grabs lunch and sits outside in the pool allllllll day. Seriously from noon to about 6 pm in the good weather. I wasn't able to reduce my hours at work this summer like I usually do. LE was here in our apartment alone but never once did my sister come up and offer to make her lunch or join her outside. LE is 12 so no calls to DCF. She is really ok to be left alone with having people in the house but that isn't the point. After everything I have done for her sons( and her)over the years I think the least she could do is offer up a grilled cheese sandwich or some company. When in trouble her kids still turn to me before either of their parents. So now the the part of the story that makes me see red.

We are HUGE Patriots fans. In our youth our father took us to several games. Back then he could get tickets for about $15. When my parents divorced and we were older my sister and I caught a few games together. Then they became champs and ticket prices went sky high. My husband had never been to a game and 4 years ago after searching ebay I managed to get tickets for our anniversary. Boy was she pissed. Next year we went again and she was pissed again. Really pissed. Now these are $150 tickets. I can barely scrap together enough for ours I can't buy her a seat too. Besides this is like our big treat all year. I put away income tax money just for this reason. Last year we went again for my birthday. Buy dumb luck my husband's sister called and wanted to know if we wanted to buy tickets to the game 2 weeks later. Only standing room but who cares. I was now wracked with guilt to be able to go to 2 games in one year so my only question was can we get 3 tickets so I can take my sister? Done. So for her birthday we all went to the game . Tailgate food, booze, gas, parking all on us. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER! Awesome right? Now this year money was tight and we could only get tickets to a pre-season game but that's ok still a game. Fast forward to 10/19/08. A customer that knows my sister works for a company that has season tickts to the Patriots. He has 2 seats nobody wants for the Monday night game 10/20. Would she like them free of charge? Hell yes she says. Here's the good part. Our father who told me last summer that he never wanted a second child and I should be glad to just be alive has relocated here to CT. When he arrived in January he came to see me and denied saying it to me when I brought it up. He asked if we could talk again (i was at work at the time) could he call me or could we get together for lunch I said ok but I was really hurt. I have never heard from him again. He came here for Easter dinner in my Mom's place but never even bothered to come up stairs. He comes here at least twice a month to take sister to lunch or whatever. He denies it ever took place but the kicker is my sister was standing there when he said it. She has never once told him that she heard him. On my daughter's birthday she went to his house to watch the game. She has watched every game with us in the time she has lived here until that day. Broke my daughter's heart. Now she has these tickets. And 10/26 is my birthday. What a great gift that would be right? A small repayment for everything I've done for her all these years but no such luck. She took our father instead. When I asked her if she even thought about taking me her response was that I was here 2nd choice. I get to go to games with my husband so why should she take me. This year my husband and I went to Pat's training camp a few times. We didn't ask her to go becasue this is the only time all summer we get to be alone. With her outside everyday in our pool we don't have any alone time. Can't float around quietly or talk privately because she is ALWAYS there. When we have friends over she's there. Get the picture? The only way to be alone on a hot summer day is to drive 2 hours and watch our team practice But that makes me a bad guy for not taking her. She had a choice to make when this great thing happened to her. As I see it she made the wrong one. The day before my birthday she sent up a small gift and a card that said she was sorry I was upset but she felt she made the right choice because father had never been to the new stadium. I hope they enjoyed themselves. I hope she realizes what her choice cost her. Maybe I'm just jealous? But maybe I'm tired of always giving and never getting anything back. We continue to struggle to keep this house over all of our heads in this terrible economy. I'm in search of a new full time job or a second part time to add to our income. She works 16-18 hours and comes home to a nice place surrounded by family and no worries about anything. In a town where just a room rents for 125-150 aweek she pays us $200 per month.

Sorry about the length of this tirade but somethings just can't be held in. I only hope someday she realizes how lucky she is. But by then I think it will be too late to fix things.

I've Been Dumped

I've been dumped. It is no longer "cool" to be seen with your mom at a town festival. Le is 12 years old. She stands 5'5" and can kick butt if needed. She is everything tomboy and girlie all rolled into one. She wanted to go downtown for Celebrate Wallingford. Crafts, food,touch a truck, jumping things ect. But after being there for about 15 minutes she realized that it is no longer in her best interest as a cool kid to be there with her totally uncool mom. She ran into a friend from school whose mom has a tent there. I left her for 5 minutes to check out a few more crafters and came back to find her gone. After calling her cell phone which she didn't answer, panic set in. Now to correctly set the scene you have to know this fair takes place in our downtown. This is a small town in New England and the town green is complete with white gazabo and about 20 policemen walking around. Not much exciting happens around here. It is also only 2 blocks from our house. 2 small blocks. So why did I panic? I grew up in this neighborhood just 7 houses away from where I live. During the summer you got on your bike and rode all day. Cardinal rule, be home when the church bells rang at 6 o'clock. Now I panic and try to find my child in a crowd. Why? Why does it have to be so different? She really isn't a little girl anymore. I was going off younger than her doing stuff with my friends. Riding our bikes almost a mile away to the community pool. But I can't fathom leaving Le 2 blocks from the house. 2 small blocks. After a call to my husband (he's at work) and finding her again. I decided to let go just a bit. I gave her 20 bucks and came home. She's hanging with friends downtown on a beautiful autum day. Having fried dough and feeling grown up. She's only 2 blocks away. 2 very large blocks from this desk.

Top Ten Things That Should Never Be Seen in a Grocery Store

I've seen alot of things in my 20 year career in a large grocery store. Below is my top ten list of things that should never be seen in a grocery store.

#10. Children walking around with no shoes.
# 9. Babies wearing only a diaper and nothing else.
# 8. Sports bra shorts and a pregnant belly
# 7. Any couple making out
# 6. Nursing a baby sitting on my meat case.
# 5. Pink fuzzy bedroom slippers.
# 4. Pj pants with pink fuzzy slippers
# 3. Bath robe, pj's and pink fuzzy slippers.
# 2. Curlers
# 1. Red satin lingerie pj's so small the top doesn't meet the bottom and big saggy boobs hanging out from underneath the top nipples totally visible.